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I received from Thom Sanders a photo of what is said to be a "redneck swimming pool." To view it, click here.

From: Clyde Hooks 
From: bentley.hooks
From: "claude morris" 

Subject: Bill Gates in the Hereafter

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to

send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by

putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created

that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done

before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if

it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you," God replied.

"Okay, then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with

clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the

water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the

temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told

God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the

clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was

nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm, I

think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see

how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to

a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and

tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter

how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented

disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited

two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to

that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in

the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

--------- End forwarded message ----------

From: Clyde Hooks

From: Betty Mills 

From: Catherine C Byrnes

Subject: Island

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked

himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his

life. ...till the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore

of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas

and coconuts.

After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the

most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get

here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here

when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up

with you."

"Oh, this?." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw

material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree

branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern

came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools

or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of

the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I

found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted

into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools

to make the hardware."

The guy was stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she said. After a few minutes of

rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before

him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue

and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven

hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but

I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut

juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How

about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they

sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories,

the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more

comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a

razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There

in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to

a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel

mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but

vines--strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She

beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've

been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's

something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something

you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into

his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied,

"--I can check my e-mail from here?"

--------- End forwarded message ----------

From: "Maureen/Ted Tourtellott" 

From: Horace B. Tourtellott 

Sent: Sunday, November 22, 1998 10:57 AM

To: Maureen/Ted Tourtellott

Subject: Signs of old age

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory,

the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just

as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more

work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to

every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those

odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office

Start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to

go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have

begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to

enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never

ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of that same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by

his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the

one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is

the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a

laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will

avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way

through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in

the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't

get it started.

You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you

don't know till the 4th of July.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after

feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet to help you live longer: if it tastes good,

spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is

that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

From: "Maureen/Ted Tourtellott"

Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 08:54:10 -0500

Subject: Actual Newspaper Headlines

Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

==================================================

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50. Air Head Fired

51. Steals Clock, Faces Time

52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

From: GBWEAVER@aol.com
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 21:45:51 EDT

This was forwarded to me and I thought you might enjoy it.

Remember when....

A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show of note,

A window was something you hated to clean,

And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And a gig was a job for the nights,

Now they mean different things

And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment,

A program was a TV show,

A cursor used profanity,

A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age,

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,

Not something you did to a file,

And if you unzipped anything in public,

You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire,

Hard drive was a long trip on the road,

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,

And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,

Paste you did with glue,

A web was a spider's home,

And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,

and the memory in my head,

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,

But when it happens they wish they were dead.

===================================================================

From David Lancaster

Subject: Changes to the English Language
 - submitted by Ken Smiths

=========

The European Commission has just announced

an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union

rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for

improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-

English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the

sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'.

This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph'

will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the

stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the

removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,

al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful

and it should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and

'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords

kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of

leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor

trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.

Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

=====================================================================

From: "Chase C. Gregory"

Subject: Time to fly...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a

great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good 

shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was

warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled,

"Let's go! Let's go!" the pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon

they were in the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," said the

photographer, "and make three or four low, level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and

photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great

exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause, the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

====================================================================

From: "Perry A Ratliff"

Subject: Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

======================================================================

From: "Thomas D. Sanders"

Subject: Two church stories

A mother was giving instructions to her children on their way to Sunday

school, "And, why is it we should be quiet in church?"

Her little girl responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

*********************

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's

graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to

take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his

wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the

casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their

friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400,

drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

========================================================================

From: "thomas d. sanders"

Subject: Gender Talk

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a

study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day,

whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use

twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?

****************

Subject: Presidential Advice

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by the ghost of George Washington in the

White House. Bill asked "What's the best thing I could do for the country?"

"Set an honest & honorable example, like I did," advised George.

The next night Bill saw the ghost of Tom Jefferson and asked the same

question. Thomas replied, "Cut taxes and reduce the size of Gov't."

On the 3rd night Clinton saw the ghost of A. Lincoln and asked what would be

the best thing he could do for the country. Mr. Lincoln answered, "Go to the

theatre!"